I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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