Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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