we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
