vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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