It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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