dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
