I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
