my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
where are you?
Hypothermia
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
