His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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