Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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