Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
