I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
