I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
