Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
