well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
