Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
