It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
