i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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