life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
