put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
