Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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