1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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