I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
