4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
