a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
