Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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