just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
