Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
