i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
