so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
