you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
