i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
