You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
