He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
