She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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