sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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