I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
This house was built for laser tag.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
