I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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