i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The air was thick with penises
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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