Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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