i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
