we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
