You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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