Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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