this beer tastes like vomit already
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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