this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
