I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
