Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
