You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
