one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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