you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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